I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
