It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
a search helicopter?!
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
