Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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