puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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