I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize