i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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