my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
