The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
