I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
