You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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