smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
