hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
