he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
