Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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