; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
