Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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