Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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