She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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