i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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