Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he shaved USA in his pubs
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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