i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
