fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
