saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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