just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
