remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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