If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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