It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
