We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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