He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
