Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
If I die, sorry about rent.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
