I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I AM VODKA MAN
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
