I look better un-naked...
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
