He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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