OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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