She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
