life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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