all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
