We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Randomize
