I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize