I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
i am craving dick and cupcakes
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
