Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
