Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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