There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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