Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I think I won the penis lottery.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
