I accidentally had phone sex last night
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
