so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
