TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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