we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize