I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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