thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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