So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
