I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He called his prostate his "boner button".
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
