If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
