you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
