I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
