She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize