I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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