So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
