i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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